In this blog post, we explore how Relational Life Therapy sets itself apart from traditional therapy, offering a more balanced, direct, and transformative approach to addressing both shame and grandiosity.
What Is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?
Relational Life Therapy is a unique blend of therapy and coaching that draws on the best of existing therapeutic modalities. At its heart, it’s a systems therapy that recognizes the impact of the broader systems in which individuals, couples, families, groups, and organizations must function. Too often, the systems we live in discourage us (covertly or overtly) from having an authentic voice, so we begin with a focus on one’s relationship with one’s self.
When challenged most of us instinctively revert to our first consciousness – the ways of responding that helped us navigate the environments we grew up in. Incorporating neurobiology, we teach people how to speak from their second consciousness, in ways that prioritize authentic connections. Where needed we help clients work through familial or other forms of complex trauma, often in the presence of their partner, or other family members where appropriate. While, like other therapies, we teach skills, first we work with the parts of people who don’t want to use them. Our belief is that if everyone learned to speak from their second consciousness many of the dysfunctional systems we live in would crumble.
What makes RLT unique?
For the past five decades, traditional therapy, particularly psychodynamic therapy, has centered on addressing shame. This method has been instrumental in helping individuals overcome feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. However, it has often overlooked the equally crucial task of addressing grandiosity, superiority, entitlement, contempt, and aggression. Effective therapy must navigate both ends of the spectrum, guiding individuals not only up from shame, but also down from grandiosity. Regardless of gender, we all face these dual challenges, though men may express them more overtly and women more covertly.
| Traditional therapy typically maintains a stance of impartiality, avoiding taking sides. In stark contrast, Relational Life Therapy (RLT) embraces a more direct approach. We are unafraid to address issues head-on, sometimes saying, “Partner A, you’re being unreasonable, and Partner B, you’re being even more so, and here’s why.” Unlike the systemic 50-50 approach criticized by feminist critics for its neutrality, RLT recognizes power imbalances in relationships. We aim to redress these imbalances by empowering the less dominant partner and encouraging the more dominant partner to find humility, promoting a dynamic where the weak can rise and the strong can soften. |  |
Traditionally, character change is seen as a slow, painstaking process requiring years of therapy. However, the concept of neuroplasticity has revolutionized this perspective, showing that significant character changes can occur more rapidly. In RLT, we set high expectations for our clients, anticipating substantial character transformation as part of our couples’ work. Our approach includes intensive individual work within the context of couples’ therapy, often addressing trauma with both partners present, which is a unique feature of this method.
 | We do not see ourselves as neutral experts or mere facilitators. Instead, we share our own journeys of relational recovery, establishing a connection with our clients. By sharing our backgrounds and challenges, we demonstrate that meaningful change is achievable. This approach is akin to the supportive role of a 12-step sponsor rather than a traditional therapist. While there are guidelines for self-disclosure, this practice is a vital part of our methodology. In traditional therapy, the focus is primarily on nurturing and loving the client, which is essential but not sufficient. |
RLT transcends mere nurturing by equipping clients with the skills necessary to lead relational lives. We adopt an explicitly educational stance, actively teaching and guiding our clients. These distinctions underscore the unique and transformative approach of Relational Life Therapy compared to other therapeutic methods.
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