Staying in Love:
The Art of Fierce Intimacy
A Rare Opportunity to Transform Your Relationship
with Expert Terry Real
This is a downloadable online course that you can work through at your own pace.
Nothing is more important in our lives than our relationships. A great relationship boosts your immune system, opens your heart, and keeps you vital and creative.
– Terry Real
Welcome to a brand new way of being in relationship.
Thank you for being here. As a practicing couples therapist for over 30 years, author, and trainer, I want you to have a relationship that is nothing short of superb, alive, passionate, and happy. You deserve a relationship that can endure life’s many challenges while also celebrating one another with joy.
Over the last three decades, I have worked with couples from around the world and evolved a new model of how to do couples therapy, as well as a new way of living one’s life in relationship. We’ve never wanted more from our intimate relationships, but our skillset does not match our ambition. There is a relational technology, a clear set of interpersonal skills that work much better than what you learned from your family and culture at large.
With these skills, which you’ll learn inside this course, you will be able to:
- Stand up for yourself with love and cherish your partner in the same breath
- Speak your truth in a way that optimizes your chance of being heard
- Come into repair when the wheels fall off
- Cherish one another, appreciating the strengths you have and building on them
These skills work whether you are young or old, monogamous or polyamorous, gay or straight, non-binary, or single… They work whether your partner is using the same skills or not.
“Staying in Love: The Art of Fierce Intimacy” is a pre-recorded course that includes 6 video lessons led by Terry. Each lesson is 20-40 minutes long. The course also includes 6 pre-recorded Q&A sessions with Terry that are approximately 1 hour long. You may watch this over and over at your own pace, in the privacy of your home.
In our time together you will learn about fierce intimacy, taking one another on skillfully. Most partners stop dealing with each other. Issues don’t get confronted, tensions are swept under the rug, you tell yourself that you are accepting but the truth is you are settling. When couples stop telling the truth to each other, the first casualty is passion.
Come find out what it takes to keep your relationship juicy, alive, fun, and fulfilling
I want to transform your consciousness. I want you to truly understand and have healthy self-esteem, neither inferior nor superior to any other human being.
These are the same skills and tools that I use to stay connected with my wife, Belinda, and our two children. I know you can do it because I can do it. I have seen couple after couple transform, many on the verge of divorce.
I invite you to join our community and learn a new way of relationship and in your life.
P.S. I am so confident that this course will benefit your relationship immediately that if you don’t like it, you can get your money back after trying it for 10 days.
The romantic vision promises ‘shadowless’ relationships, but it is precisely by wrestling with the relationship’s shadow, with disillusionment, that deep intimacy is sustained.
― Terry Real, How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women
What’s holding you back from a better relationship?
There are three pillars of chronic dysfunctional behavior, which I learned from my mentor, Pia Mellody, while working on my own relationship:
Denial: “I didn’t do it”
Minimalization: “I did it, but it’s not that bad.”
Rationalization: “I did it, but you have to understand.”
If we want to move past our dysfunctional behavior, we must step into responsibility instead of getting defensive, which requires some mastery of relational skills…
Essential Relationship Skills to Maximize Happiness
Here are some of the relational skills you’ll learn to reinvigorate your relationship…
How to be cherishing of your relationship and stand up for yourself at the same time
How to speak when the wheels fall off and you need to come back into repair
How to listen so your partner feels truly heard
How to respond with compassion and generosity rather than selfishness and defensiveness
How to digest disappointment in your relationship (knowing how to use the gift of discord)
What to do when you’re triggered, or when your partner is triggered, or when you’re both triggered at the same time
Here’s What You’ll Learn inside
Staying in Love
The Power of Us Consciousness
How many times have you promised yourself you won’t…fly off the handle, shut down, raise your voice, walk away? But, despite your best intentions, you do. Why? Chances are you’ve been triggered. In the heat of the moment, you forget love and become two adversaries, you and me, in a win/lose struggle. The solution? Reaching for the Wise Adult part of you, literally a different part of your brain and nervous system, remembering the whole, the biosphere called your relationship, remembering US. In this session, we’ll look at the characteristics of US consciousness and why it’s so crucial to understand – and manage – triggering, those moments when you stop being present to your partner because you’ve grown reactive, taken over by past injuries and failing coping strategies.
How your past and trauma created your reactions to triggering
The first skill you must learn before you work on your relationship
How to “Remember Love”
Examples of Triggering and how to respond with love
The Relationship Grid Part 1: Grandiosity & Shame
The vertical line on the Relationship Grid measures your self-esteem. “Health” is in the very center of that line. Above that, we see “Grandiosity,” characterized by entitlement, superiority, anger, retaliation, and revenge. Below the healthy level of self-esteem is “Shame,” characterized by inferiority, defectiveness, and unlovability. In this session, we’ll look at issues of self-esteem and how they affect your relationship. Plus, I’ll teach you how to “step off the contempt conveyor belt.”
Common traits of shame and grandiosity, inferiority and superiority
Practicing Remedial Empathy
The roots of both shame and grandiosity, and how they are different from one another
The nature of healthy self-esteem and how to achieve it
The Relationship Grid Part 2: Boundaries
In this session, we will look at the horizontal line that represents your boundaries. We’ll talk briefly about physical boundaries, specifically sexual boundaries before we focus on psychological boundaries. Similar to self-esteem, health is in the middle. Your psychological boundary might be too open and porous, leaving you “thin-skinned” and reactive. Or it might be too dense, a wall, leaving you protected but disconnected.
Characteristics of Boundaryless and Walled Off
How to form healthy boundaries
Your relationship to love, as determined by where you fall on the boundary line
What a healthy boundary feels like
At the Crossroads
This session combines what we learned in sessions 2 and 3. When we put the two lines of the Relational Grid together, they form four distinctive quadrants. Each of the quadrants has its own unique characteristics, energy, and typical behaviors. In this session, we will explore each section of the grid and discuss what work is needed to heal for each specific quadrant.
How the quadrant helps you better understand yourself and your partner
What relationships look like when you pair different quadrants together
An exercise to familiarize yourself with your quadrant profile
Why knowing your quadrant profile can offer relief and creativity
The Essential Rhythm of Relationships
All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair – closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. In this session, we will look at all three phases and discuss how each phase evokes different parts of us, how our “you and me” consciousness takes over, and how to steer back toward repair with your partner by shifting your own reactivity. This session also includes a handout on the 10 commandments for taking a timeout to help you practice responsible distance taking.
Our culture’s airbrushed vision of relationships
The five losing strategies of the Adaptive Child
How “objective reality” breeds trouble
Offending from the victim position
The Repair Process and Beyond
The process of repair is not a two-way street. If your partner comes to you in a state of upset, your first priority lies in helping them move back into harmony with you. In our final session, we will examine each step of the repair process for both the speaker and the listener In this session you’ll learn how to speak up with love, how to really listen, and how to respond non-defensively, with a generous heart, We’ll also look at how to build a relationship-cherishing subculture around you.
The four steps of the Feedback Wheel and the seven primary feelings
How to use Relational Jiu-Jitsu to disarm your partner
Why it doesn’t have to be perfect, just good enough
The Golden Rule of relational living
He leans forward. ‘Tom, what you’re not getting, and this is true for most men I see, is that it is in your interest to move beyond your knee-jerk selfishness and entitlement and to take good care of your wife, so she isn’t such a raving lunatic all the time.’ He shakes his head. ‘The idea that withdrawal is going to work is nuts. You’re a sweet guy; I can see you have a sweet soul. But you have to do more.’ [Terry] Real has told us the truth. We agree that having a third party forensically examine our problems with brutal candor is strangely exhilarating. Freeing, even. We promise each other that we will try hard to do what he recommends.
― “How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids” by Jancee Dunn
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Our Promise and Guarantee
We are confident you’ll be happy with Staying in Love. However, if you are not 100% satisfied with your purchase, simply contact us at email@example.com within 10 days and we’ll give you a full refund.
About Terry Real
Terry Real is the bestselling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the straight-talking How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women, and most recently The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work. Terry knows how to lead couples on a step-by-step journey to greater intimacy—and greater personal fulfillment. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents as well as a professional training program for clinicians. Terry’s work, with its rigorous commonsense approach, speaks to both men and women. A proponent of “full-throttle marriage,” Terry has been called “the most innovative voice in thinking about and treating men and their relationships in the world today.”
Terry is also working on a new book, Us Consciousness, that inspired and informed this program.
The rule that surpasses all rules is that you must be connected, willing to see what’s in front of you, and willing to move if what you’re doing isn’t working.
― Terry Real, How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women
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“Some of the things I love about Terry Real and his work are the practical steps, down-to-earth guidance and his model of having the courage and respect to be honest with couples when one partner is behaving in a way that needs to be addressed first.”
— R. M.
“After spending 100s of thousands of dollars and countless hours and years in intensive therapy all over NY, New Jersey and Manhattan -our relationship was deteriorating and we still had no conclusive diagnoses of what was getting in the way of our relationship and of true intimacy. Finally as a last resort, we took a chance and flew to Boston for an 80 min session with Terry Real who with laser-sharp focus immediately zeroed in on exactly what was going on and gave us a diagnosis for what was getting in our way. Sitting In his office was the first time EVER, I felt completely understood and validated!!!’
“Thank you for introducing me to the real Mark, and for introducing him to himself. I am happier in our relationship then I have been in many many years. I use the strategies you taught us with Mark as well as with my siblings and friends. They work! If we never found someone willing to be straight and honest we would not be together, that much I know. Your honesty about Mark allowed me to stand down. Now that I am able to stand down I am able to try to be the person I want to be in this relationship.”